Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
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Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I have never related to anyone more.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
It’s an epidemic…
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team