“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
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Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself