We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
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My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Breaking news:
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.