My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
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The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything