I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
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First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.