Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
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Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
huge if true: the moon
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied