[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.