During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
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Hotels are back
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me too, bag. Me too….
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: