Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
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My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.