SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
The second world war should have been called world war returns
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
me, after any kind of buffet.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.