[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
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Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*frowns in Scottish*
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.