Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
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Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
me and my fake scenarios
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”