2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.