People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
3% human
97% stress
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Flowers bee like
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer