Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
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An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
courtroom exchange of the day
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.