Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.