Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
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“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
“HELP WITH CAT”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.