All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
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{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Harsh but fair
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.