“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.