The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
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The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Sniffing the broccoli
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Heroic Misunderstanding
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.