casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there