Still writing HBO Max on my checks
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro