It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
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very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
my mind
You just read my mind
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?