Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
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Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm