I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Meow
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?