Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Time heals everything 🙂
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.