Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
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To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
*jazz hands*
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
under no circumstances will my brother take the L