Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
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No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I gave up going to work for lent.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Well, shit
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup