Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
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*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Happy Star Wars day!
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
You can’t rush stupid.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?