I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
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I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting