There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
You Might Also Like
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license