Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.