absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
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There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
😆this is so true
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
? 💀
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”