At my grandmaβs house and just accidentally let out a βyall stop running in and outβ omg itβs over ππππππππππ
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police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I bet someone said βDo what makes you happyβ to Hitler too.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
*pronounces patio like ratio
at my girlfriendβs house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said βof course!β then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Sponch
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
How badly am I doing? Iβm considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg Iβm going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
weβre just reaching out to you about your carβs extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandmaβs, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.