IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
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I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
The USS B port
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Harsh but fair
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
This line from Airplane.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something