Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
You Might Also Like
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.