I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
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the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
live long and prosper!
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.