the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
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“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
*orders delivery*
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
How I’d get arrested…
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.