cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
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Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Kermit goes Blue.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating