ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
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My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
He’s dead
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship