If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
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When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.