Respect
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The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
(Gaming support cat.)
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I enjoy a good short stor
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.