oh my gosh!!
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.