My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
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If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
why would tinder want me to say this
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.