Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
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A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.