cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
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🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage