Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this