Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.