What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
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*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back