Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
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What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
The point of your 20s
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me